Flipside Writing Staff Prepares (to Take Over) for IUSA Elections
By: Flipside Staff
For those who don’t know, IUSA elections will be held April 8th and 9th. This will give every student a chance to voice opinions on what issues IU should prioritize, as it strives to make campus a better place. Issues such as student safety and environmental concern are on the table, but the Flipside writing staff had other ideas in mind… Bismo Falcor It is undeniable that ease of transportation is a major issue on campus. But fear not, Hoosier: I have the solution we’ve all been waiting for. Under my leadership, each and every crowded staircase will receive a brand new bike lane. No longer will anyone have to worry about throats getting cut in the spokes of a bicycle on the way to the IMU Starbucks. Benedict Clinkerton I propose mandatory helmets and flashing safety vests for all incoming freshmen in order to protect the rest of the students. Ed Eppus As president of Indiana University, my platform would be geared toward intercollegiate politics. I vow to open up talks with Purdue on the peaceful production of biological superweapons, and move toward tearing down the IUPUI wall. My Edonomics policy would allocate 40 percent of IU’s GDP to Coach Creen. Constance T. Nopel As Supreme Leader for the Indiana University Student Organization, I would require that all chalk advertisements be written in Comic Sans solely on the walls of Kelley, and, if read aloud, must be yelled in a vaguely racist Chinese accent. Hálfdán Methúsalemsson I will personally build a 50 foot statue made of pure gold of Herman B Wells in mortal combat with a dragon and place it in front of the library for all to worship twice a day. Also, free condoms. And pizza. Mystery Writer THERE ARE TOO MANY BUILDINGS ON CAMPUS. We have devoted an entire building to the study of geology. Millions of dollars have been put into constructing a massive edifice, full of classrooms and lecture halls and offices, all devoted to staring at stones. Campus is jam packed with buildings which exist for no purpose other than to make freshmen feel confused. If you vote for me, I will bomb these locations.