Frustrated, Lonely God Creates Universe of Kittens
By: Bismo Falcor
In a shocking development, rumors have surfaced that God has created an entirely separate universe populated entirely by kittens just to escape his regretted human race. Flipside sent reporter Hartford Cunningham to a remote mountain peak in the Himalayas with nothing but a grain of rice and a small bag of Funyuns, so he could ultimately bond with nature and get himself a spiritual interview with God regarding this fallback fluffy universe. The interview is featured below:
HC: Are you there, God? I’ve come all this way just to find you.
St. Peter: This is Saint Peter, how may I help you?
HC: I really need to speak with God.
[Bolt of lightning appears out of the blue, strikes peak of nearby mountain]
St. P: Sorry, it appears he’s… uhhh… in the bathroom right now.
HC: Are you serious? God has to use the bathroom?
St. P: Yes… he should be out in a few.
HC: I can wait.
St. P: When I said a few, I meant a few days… like ‘creation’ days… And then I guess he has to rest for a day or so afterwards?
HC: Okay Pete, cut the creationist crap. We have all heard rumors that he created a whole new world populated entirely by kittens just so he didn’t have to deal with us anymore.
St. P: Did you try reading the Bible? Apparently, there’s an answer for everything in there.
HC: I’ve hiked the Himalayas for 3 months now for this stupid-ass sketchy college alternative newspaper with nothing but a grain of rice and some Funyuns. I came here for answers, I will leave with answers!
St. P: You really want answers? Fine. He got sick and tired of your nonsense, your extremism, your discrimination. This modern day is the most anyone’s ever prayed to him and the least anyone’s ever listened to him. What did you expect him to do? Destroy the world again? He doesn’t have to! You’re great at doing it yourselves. So, he created a world which his creations would appreciate. And at least when kittens declare war on each other, IT’S THE CUTEST THING YOU’LL EVER SEE IN YOUR ENTIRE GODDAMN LIFE.
God: PETER. DID YOU USE MY NAME IN VAIN AGAIN?
HC: God? God! I can’t believe it’s actually you!
God: Dammit Ted Cruz, is that you again? For the last time, I am not endorsing your presidential campaign!
St. P: Actually God, this time it’s the media.
God: If it’s The Onion, tell them I smite them to Hell for all eternity.
[Lightning strikes same mountain again, meows heard in background]
The rumors have been confirmed as truth. Flipside promises to pay for all of Hartford’s therapy from here on out. Flipside apologizes.