By: Constance T. Nopel

BARREN WASTELAND, EARTH— Elated upon discovering a still usable, pink Gillette razor under the radioactive rubble of Washington Monument, area woman Jane Shales told reporters she was overjoyed she would no longer have to shave her legs with her blood-coated katana. “It was such a hassle before, but in a world of impending meteors and savage cannibals, it’s important to put your personal grooming first. After all, I do need to be repopulate the human race!” winked Shales, adding that her new-found tool would allow her to devote extra time to mimic the photos of women remaining in dirty scraps of beauty magazines. “And because my digestive tract is ravaged with genetically-enhanced parasites, I finally reached my goal weight! The recent abundance of violently spewing volcanoes has really raised the temperature, so it’s the perfect opportunity to bring out my cut-off booty shorts and leather crop tops.” Shales’ resourcefulness has especially come into play when fulfilling the post-apocalyptic societal expectation for a female’s made-up face. “I find that the blood of my fallen companions makes an excellent lip stain, and rubbing finely-ground cockroaches on my eyelids has really helped me achieve that coveted smoky eye.” At press time, when asked to respond to the media’s expectations for women, Shales stated, “It’s nice to know that, even when the world is ending, this one fundamental aspect of American culture will still survive.”