Victim of Cannibalism “Asking for It” by Looking Tasty
By: Penny C. Bubblegum
A young man in a white tank top that was consumed last night at a house party is now being accused (post-mortem) of causing his own demise from over-applying AXE body spray, commonly known to entice the cannibal communities. The partiers were alerted by the overwhelming smell of barbecue sauce emanating from the basement. “At first, I totally thought it was like a mirage or something, [be]cause I was like really high and I was craving chicken wings,” a witness stated, looking slightly traumatized. “And then it was like, not chicken wings at all. It was human wings.”
According to witnesses, the man who simply could not help himself was described as “troll-like,” and was reported to be ravenously chewing on a bloodied pair of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air boxers. (“I bet he did taste fresh,” another witness commented). A group of girls told reporters that they did not blame the cannibal. “He was probably hungry! There were no chips or salsa at the party.” When local reporters asked witnesses whether they believed the young man deserved to be eaten alive, a group students spoke up.
“Absolutely. In this day and age, who wears white tank tops? Those like only look good with blood smeared all over it.”
“And who goes out without their crew anyway? Man, who knows what freaks roam the night nowadays.”
One police officer advised a potential solution to the ever-growing issue of cannibalism. “You gotta make sure to look nasty or the cannibals will come for you. I suggest body odor and the stench of booze. It’s hip.”
A local politician, a self-identified specialist on justified cannibalism, commented on the incident: “If it’s really legitimate cannibalism, the body would’ve coughed that flesh up. That’s just science.”