By Pink Freud

Students, faculty, and several Balkan nation states have been up in arms over the lack of access to the arboretum.  In commemoration of the 100th anniversary of the outbreak of the Great War, the Indiana University Arboretum is being converted into a veritable no-mans-land of trenches, craters, and rubble. With the blessings of the University, the WWI Recreationists’ Club is using the public green space to recreate the mayhem and abject horror of the Battle of Ypres.

“We’d like to thank the excellent students and faculty at Indiana University for making our perfect nightmare a reality,” said senior Reginald P. Pumberchook, brigadier general of the club “We’re doing this for all of the IU alumni who served on the Western Front. They would’ve wanted it this way.”

The shelling is expected to begin at 0400 hours on the morning of November the 21st. Students in the Northwest neighborhood should expect to be woken by the sounds of heavy artillery, and the smell of burning flesh. Although some civilian casualties are to be expected, Pumberchook assures the student body that there is no need to worry, as both sides expect that the war should be over by Christmas.