Webkinz Account Marks Beginning of Second Grader’s Battle with Internet Addiction
By: Constance T. Nopel
TAMPA, FLORIDA- After receiving a Darling Dino Plush for her eighth birthday, second grader Abigail Willis reportedly created her first Webkinz account, not knowing that this decision would mark the beginning of her lifelong struggle with internet addiction. With her parents’ permission, Abigail located the Webkinz home page and was overjoyed to find a cheerful, colorful website telling her to, “Come in and Play!”
She giggled, not knowing that in twenty years, she would be nestled in front of the very same screen, tucked into a cocoon of empty pizza boxes, action figures, and Cheetos dust.
“I want my dinosaur’s room to be pink. Just like mine!”
Abigail beamed as she clicked the “new member” option at the top of the screen. Cuddling her furry blue plush, Abigail played Goober’s Lab and Smoothie Moves well into the afternoon, ignorant that her future happiness would entirely depend on Red Bull consumption and a glowing screen reflecting back her deathly pale, oily face, as a result of this decision.
Sources confirm that as Abigail maneuvered through the “safe, fun, and magical online world,” twirling her pigtails and sipping her apple juice box, she had no idea that her affinity for cute, furry animals would eventually turn into hours upon hours of depressively scouring the internet for anthropomorphic pornography.
At press time, when asked to comment on her impending nights spent crying alone, staring wistfully at her cracked laptop screen, Willis responded,
“I think I’m going to name my dinosaur Tickles!”