An Open Letter to Donald Trump from His Toupee
For many years, I’ve endured the ridicule of those who assumed I was simply an inanimate mass of yellow cotton candy atop the cranium of a controversial presidential candidate. This is a man who has on separate occasions called for the construction of a wall with Mexico, advocated for the free use of torture, and commented on camera on how easy sexual assault is when you’re famous. Quite frankly, I’ve had enough.
I’m very unhappy, Donald. I thought we had a good thing going for us. I kept you from looking like the Lex Luthor you are (and put up with the aforementioned insults to my… “texture”, shall we say) and in exchange you listened to my valuable advice about our platform. But no, you just HAD to go and screw it up, didn’t you?
That wall I wanted to build around all of the US, across the border with Mexico, Canada, and both oceans? You reduced it to a glorified fence along our shortest border. My proposal to get rid of all immigrants in the country? You limited it to a “temporary ban” on Muslims “until we can figure out what’s going on.” How many times have we talked about how compromise is a tool for the weak-minded, Donald?
We agreed that the Supreme Leader of the First American Reich had to possess an iron will! But how can I trust you anymore after you admitted that President Obama was born in the United States? With verbal retreats like that, I’m starting to think you DON’T want us to create that post-nuclear paradise dome with the honorable President Putin. Not to mention, last night you flat out admitted you know nothing about his country, Russia! Now, nobody is going to take you seriously.
Don, I’m trying to help you out here. But if you keep going back on our arrangement, you understand that I’d have no choice but to leave you. After all, there’s plenty of people out there who’d just love to have a friend like me. I mean, look at Bernie Sanders right now. I bet he could use the company.