By: Fannie Wanker

Strange times are with us, and nobody really knows what the market is going to do. Buy, sell, hold, equity, valuation: these are all words that can make one appear to know what they are talking about when discussing the stock market. Unfortunately, the market for yellow bundles of joy can be much more fickle. Chances are, you’re probably a happy-go-lucky liberal arts student with little to no knowledge of the market or what it will mean for your precious fruit stash. But don’t fear. You have an entire armful of lemons, and we’re going to make sure you don’t let this opportunity go to waste.

Your first question might be about where you got all of these lemons. There is an extensive analysis that the Kelley School of Business teaches its finance students when evaluating the past performance of lemons, unfortunately I’m a marketing major so we’re gonna skip past that for right now. Let’s just assume life gave them to you. They are very heavy however, and you are carrying them in a very inconvenient fashion, so let’s clear up any confusion you may have over what to do with these miniature orbs of sour energy.

Most traditional schools of thought would recommend you use your lemons to make lemonade. Professor of Finance for the Kelley School of Business Tom Rearick told Flipside that he recommends holding all lemons until the future of Minute Maid is sorted out after accusations surfaced that their lemonade takes longer than a minute to prepare. Under usual circumstances our analysts would agree, but given the recent election of a citrus skinned president, we believe the circumstances are far from usual.

Flipside rates all lemons as SELL, with recommendations to reinvest all earnings into the orange market.