By: Mac E. Velli

SILICON VALLEY, CA – At last Tuesday’s convention on the future of the phallic photo industry, three-dimensional printing technology took center stage. Commanding the most attention at the event was Leon Crust, technology giant and founder of Fapchat.

“Our 3D printing capabilities have ushered in a new era of dong snaps that will change the paradigm of our society,” Crust boldly announced while sporting a solid black turtleneck and jeans. “Being the founder of the most popular dickture-based mobile app, I’ve sought to improve the experience that this sacred mating ritual brings us. We have combined cutting edge 3D printing with our app, so your partner can now create a 3D printed version of your throbbing beef whistle. Imagine the anticipation of millions of college students as they print successive layers of pseudo-plastic schlong meat for hours on end, until they are finally left with a BPA-infused reminder of their partner’s affection!”

At press time, Crust explained some of the printer’s additional features, such as the adding of an “unkempt pubic hair” option and the ability to squirt cum in your loved one’s eye: “to keep the experience as realistic as possible.”