BLOOMINGTON, IN–As midterms come and go, the IU Counseling and Psychological Services center has noticed a sharp decrease in the number of sessions they are scheduling from this time last year. This phenomenon has been attributed to the rapidly increasing number of students choosing to discontinue their education at the university rather than waiting to receive help.

“It just sucks having to wait so long to see someone” sophomore Barry Thomas explained. “When I’m getting ass-blasted by all of my major courses while also having to finish my gen. eds., internship hunting, and working a part-time job, I don’t have two weeks. My life sucks, and I’d rather go home and work at McDonald’s again than deal with my problems for another couple days before they’ll see me.”

CAPS employee Wendy Clark was sympathetic to the students’ plight, but seemed relieved at the decreased workload. “Holy shit these kids have a lot of problems,” Clark said with an exasperated tone. “I remember going through college and just drinking all of my problems away, but now we have hundreds of students a week trying to see us. I guess it’s good we’re opening the conversation about mental health, but we are not even close to being well enough staffed to handle a university of this size. Just take a shot and fail your exam, life goes on.”

The university has since announced that in order to cut down on the number of students choosing to leave, it will be paying top dollar for a new head men’s basketball coach in order to reinvigorate its athletic program, citing student life as its top priority.