By: Sutton Lee Seymour

  1. #BlackLivesMatter. This is always a hot topic! Almost everyone has an opinion on it, even if they pretend they don’t so that they won’t look like an asshole. This might even get you bonus points if your professor is overtly liberal.
  2. Gun control. A bunch of people have guns, and most people don’t want to get shot, which makes this a pretty universal issue. There’s also a lot of heated debate on who we’re allowed to shoot, so if you could work that in somehow, it’s perfect.
  3. Weed for the 17 millionth time. The illegality of marijuana, as you might hear from the four idiots who presented before you, is a very topical issue in modern society. Furthermore, mass incarceration of smokers plagues underprivileged communities, or as Seth will probably say, “really fucks shit up.” If you can manage to discuss this topic without belching pot smoke in your professor’s face, you should at least score higher than the four guys before you.
  4. Whatever the fuck Trump’s said this week. Did he piss off the gays, the Arabs, or National Geographic today? Anything is possible with the Leader of the Free World. Either Google his name or just go online for a few minutes and wait for the answers to come to you, as people are constantly inundating the blogosphere with brain farts courtesy of our Cheeto Master.
  5. Wage gap. This is a very important issue because it’s perfectly natural for some countries to have a wider wage gap than others, and if you don’t have one at all, that’s completely okay too. But it is time we stop judging countries based on how wide their wage gap is. Drive the point home that it’s really what’s on the inside of the society that counts.
  6. Thigh gap. While men needn’t be too concerned with the thigh gap, women everywhere cannot seem to escape its limitations. In regards to social welfare, eliminating the thigh gap is crucial to maintaining any semblance of gender equality. Men have thighs. Women have thighs. Why do women have to receive the short end of the stick?
  7. Women’s right to own property. There’s nothing quite like a little throwback controversy to add some variety to your speech class. Should women be allowed to own property? Should women have the right to own anything? Are women even people? This topic presents its own challenge because it may be hard to find research predating 1920, but you can always ask your grandpa for points if Google runs dry. Although with our current president’s history of grabbin’ that pussy, it’s really kind of a current issue.
  8. Whether or not pigeons have feelings. Have you ever studied a pigeon—like, really studied one? Most people say they’re brainless winged rats, but some believe that there is an ounce of intelligence between those two inky, impenetrable eyes. If you have trouble convincing your class, try bringing in a live pigeon and forcing them to dissect it with their eyes until they too are convinced.
  9. Incest! Like, yeah, okay, obviously fooling around with your siblings is gross. But is there really anything wrong with finding your second cousins cute? And do stepsiblings count? What about stepparents?! Clearly there’s lots of gray area to explore here. This is also a good topic to choose if you want to ensure that your professor will never allow you to give another speech again.