Local Student to Streamline Friend-Making Process by Just Buying Some
By: Jacopo Inboden and Bismo Falcor
BLOOMINGTON, IN – After completely ignoring all of the university’s resources which allow students to make friends for free, local freshman Tim Bledsoe decided to expedite the process by purchasing some through the school’s Greek System.
“Meeting people on my dorm floor is just a pain in the ass,” lamented Bledsoe. “It feels like such a waste of time to put in all the effort of getting to know people who in 3 years I’ll probably never hear from again. I’d much rather pay a couple grand and not deal with it. Sure, I’ll probably have to shave somebody’s balls or something, but I’m all about convenience.”
According to Alpha Sigma Sigma president Chad Brentburg, this is the exact type of student they have been looking to recruit.
“We all have better things to do than go to floor meetings or club call-outs where you might not actually get along with anybody. In ASS, we guarantee all pledges will have a bro or two to play FIFA with, as well as provide them with all the crazy stories other students get in college, minus all of the emotional attachment.”
At press time, Bledsoe was reported to be writing a personal ad, seeking a girlfriend for a monthly rate of $990 or less.