Area Student Refuses Newspaper the Right to Print His Picture
By: Sutton Lee Seymour
BLOOMINGTON, IN – Last Friday night, Flipside reporter Mack E. Velli spotted a particularly interesting individual named William Cavanaugh, who denied a request to take his picture.
“No thanks, I’d rather not,” said Cavanaugh, who was wearing a red and white Indiana University hoodie with a slight red stain on the collar and distressed khaki shorts. “I strongly value my privacy, and would really rather not have my face plastered across your website.”
“Will really hates being the center of attention,” Hannah Ripper, the last person to write on Cavanaugh’s Facebook wall, told reporters. “He prefers to spend his evenings ordering Jimmy Johns to his apartment complex, the Dillon, where he typically gets a number six add onion and eats it on his own in his room. Fridays he goes to Mother Bears and splits a large pepperoni pizza with his friends and discusses their fantasy football league which he is generally losing in. It’s that kind of stuff that Will really just prefers to keep private.”
This desire is probably due in part to Cavanaugh’s upbringing. He was born on a Nebraskan farm in 1997 on a rainy Thursday evening to Hank and Roberta Cavanaugh, who raised him on a mostly-isolated ranch that kept him from being incredibly social. As a result, Cavanaugh has led his life largely outside of the public eye, despite his interest in football and secret desire to be on the varsity team. (This is merely a dream, however, as Cavanaugh is not particularly athletic, and is only five-foot-eight.)
Cavanaugh’s friends agreed that he has a tendency to be “rather reclusive” and “doesn’t like everyone knowing he lives in unit B apartment 209.” After several days of attempted contact, Monday night he gave the following statement during a meeting after one of his classes in Geology Building room 436:
“I don’t know how you knew what class I would be in, but do not contact me ever again. I’ll call the cops, I’m serious. Here, take this picture and get the fuck out.”