By: Bismo Falcor and Aesthetic Danger

BLOOMINGTON, IN – Following an ordeal that left him trapped in a cave for 3 days, local freshman Lukas Cavar was left pondering if there’s anything he could possibly learn in the next 4 years that could be more useful than what he just survived.

“What the hell do I do for the next 4 years?” Cavar asked during his interview with Flipside. “How can I possibly convince myself that memorizing jargon-y vocab words like ‘guiding concept sophistry’ or the French translation for ‘I like to go ice skating’ will hold any sort of bearing on the rest of my life? What do I put on my resume other than ‘survived 3 days alone in a goddamn cave?’”

However, President McRobbie was quick to defend his cherished institution.

“Of course we provide students with the skills they need to succeed! I can’t believe this was ever in question!” He continued, “However, I do think Cavar had some very valuable experiences, and we should attempt to replicate them in the classroom. For that reason, I am announcing a new major in apocalypse survival. Students will learn how to collect moisture using wrappers and stay sane while wandering back and forth in the darkness. We’re even offering North Korean dialect classes!”

At press time, Cavar had just gotten back from the basement of Swain West, where he slept after being sexiled by his roommate.

“It actually wasn’t that bad. There were vending machines and water fountains, and my time in the cave made me feel like it was Briscoe.”




*This article has been published with the permission of Bloomington badass, Lukas Cavar.