By: Kit Cather

BLOOMINGTON, IN – In an effort to streamline the urgent care process, McNutt is looking to construct a new, state-of-the-art emergency medical wing attached to Bryan’s Kelley Living Learning Center, exclusively for students who vow to “totally never drink tequila again”.

Ambulance cars have come every night, and sometimes day, since Welcome Week. Irritated by the sirens, late night drivers have started to leave the right lane open to give the ambulance a straight shot to McNutt. This habit has already lead to the instigation of an ambulance lane by the McNutt entryway.

“I’m really grateful IU is caring for our needs,” said junior McNutt resident Chad Davis, eyes bloodshot from what he reported as too much studying the weekend before. “With all the money I save on ambulance fees, I can really invest in building a solid cocaine addiction!”

The medical facility will feature twelve round-the-clock staff, two outpatient clinics, and 3,000 bottles of Day After Hangover Shakes™.

One senior EMT, Gordon Riordan, is especially relieved by this new project.
“On the weekends, we call it the McNight shift,” he confessed to us. “My wife has started to become suspicious of my job occupation because my location always says I’m in this college dorm, and I always come back reeking of liquor. I swear, the vomit is only sometimes mine.”

Construction is set to begin the summer of 2020, however, it will most likely not actually begin until 2050. Despite the delay, McNutt has already developed a growing wait-list for medical internships, and IU’s pre-Med students have quickly succumbed to bribery and violence in a desperate attempt to build their resumes. Luckily, there will be a new medical wing prepared to treat the onset of bruises and alcoholism of those students who do not make it.