By: Sutton Lee Seymour and Bismo Falcor

This past week’s earthquake drills reminded us that at any moment, tectonic plates can just say “fuck it,” and start moving around to their hearts content. Given that limestone barely stands a chance against Mother Nature, we have compiled the best places to hide during an earthquake to ensure either your greatest chance of survival, or coolest demise!


Woodburn Elevators
Sure, they may only be held together by duct tape and cling wrap, but there’s no reason to think the 400 year old foundation won’t hold up under a massive earthquake. Be careful however, as being trapped there for extended periods of time might lead to mesothelioma, and you are not entitled to compensation in post-apocalyptic Indiana.

Under the Ballantine stairs
As high as they go UP, imagine how far they must go DOWN! If going down to ground level is safe, then going 2 miles under ground-level must be extra-safe!

Rose Well House
True love will conquer anything, even natural disasters. Bring your sweetie to the Rose Well House and your deep embrace shall shield you from the chaos of the world.

Collins Living Learning Center
Ever since the LLC declared earthquakes a “social construct,” their powers have become irrelevant. You should be okay there.

IMU Basement
Far removed from the outside world, very few manage to ever find this hidden realm. However, if you are able to reach it, the earthquake should be unable to find you and will go terrorize another student.

SGIS Building
Surely, in a campus so close to two massive fault lines, the most high tech building would be constructed so that it is able to withstand giant tremors. Surely, they wouldn’t spend $53M on a building that will crumple like a house of cards when a 1.5 magnitude earthquake hits. Surely, you’d be safe in a fucking glass atrium.

Under Your Roommate’s Bed While He’s Having Sex on It
With all of the rocking that is already going on directly above you, you won’t even notice the earthquake that is crumbling the foundation your dorm is built on.

14th Floor of Eigenman
Honestly, under the stress of an earthquake, limestone crumbles like paper, so you are basically fucked either way. Stand on the 14th floor of Eigenman so at least you can look like a badass riding a chunk of stone to your untimely death.

The IMU Bell Tower
This way, even if you get horrifically maimed by falling rubble, you can start a new life as The Hunchback of Indiana University and fall in love with a sorority girl that will end up going for the quarterback anyway.

Geology Building
Those rock nerds have spent years preparing for this attack, and they know exactly what the Earth is gonna throw at you. You might have to deal with their shitty rock puns after they save society, but they’re really pretty solid.