BREAKING: Student Running Cockfighting Ring Out of Dorm Room Cites Loophole in Roommate Agreement
By: Cleetus Haversham
BLOOMINGTON– Following the trail of blood and feathers leading from Gresham Dining Hall to the Foster Hall B Tower, Bloomington PD recently apprehended freshman Justin Stevens, for operating a cockfighting ring in his dorm room. BPD was forced to ultimately release Stevens without charges after he pointed out a legal and contractual loophole in the roommate agreement allowing him to run a lucrative cockfighting ring out of their shared room.
“I’m glad that the campus allows this dubious loophole. I just feel like this gives us a sort of cultural catharsis. The Romans had their gladiator battles, the NFL is really just televised violence. Personally, I just want to watch chickens rip each others’ throats out,” said Sophomore John Falstiff to our on-site reporter. “There’s always the risk of salmonella, you know, because of the chicken blood everywhere, but we really get to live in the moment and immerse ourselves in an agrarian pastime.”
His roommate disagreed, stating, “It’s super fucked up. I asked the RA about it, and apparently, he’s been doing this since Welcome Week.” He continued, sweeping up a few of the feathers, “I thought he was just playing video games, but the one time I actually stayed up past midnight, I found a bunch of sweaty old men throwing cash onto a pile as a chicken bleeds through its cloaca.”
When pressed for comment, the RA Sam Howitzer told us he was unable to comment on the legality of the matter, but that, “Cluckers has been on a hot streak.”
Prompted about the ethics of his cockfighting ring Stevens said, “Please, I’m a Sustainable Business major. The chicken is all locally sourced, and the losers are donated to Charley Biggs.