BREAKING: Senate Passes Bill to Arm Teachers to Fight Against Radical Student Factions
By: Mack E. Velli
Washington DC – In the midst of mass destabilization of school zones around the nation, Senator Dan Puppet (R – Virginia) has introduced a bill with the backing of the Republican Party to arm and support the US-friendly “Coalition of Locked and Loaded Teachers.”
“The situation has gotten out of control,” said National Rifle Association spokesperson Wayne LaPierre. He continued, “School administrators around the country have lost control of the hallways. Students sporting AR-15s are running amok, and are even trying to establish their own student associations. The only way to stop this is to arm teachers so they can form their own autonomous organization.”
The bill reportedly gained widespread support within the GOP after reports of the radical student factions from coast to coast taking control of the teacher’s lounge. However, the Democratic party is highly-skeptical of this approach.
“This will result in disaster,” said Chuck Schumer (D – New York). “The CIA has already been running a program to arm teachers for years now. But they’re already too underpaid, ill-equipped, and stressed out from grading papers that they never wanted to assign. The weapons will only exacerbate the situation, and may fall into the hands of the rebels.”
Reports say that Republicans and Democrats may compromise in back-door negotiations and instead fund a school drone program for targeted killings of suspected school shooters.