By: Jake Spear

After accelerating too quickly through the Indiana Kirkwood crosswalk, Junior Ethan Willis collided with Sophomore Jessica Barthum. The resulting collision left 5 students prone, two students vomiting, and 30 students late to class.

A spectator, freshman Alan Soesby described the accident, stating, “This super drunk dude came out of Qdoba and started loudly singing Hoosier Daddy. After staggering halfway down the sidewalk, he shouted ‘I’ll beat the bikes’ and dashed across the intersection. Stumbling into this poor girl, he knocked her to the ground, which tripped 3 other people.”

In an interview with IUPD officer Frank Hanson, he described the situation. “Pile-ups like this happen every Little 500, but this one was bad. It’s a miracle nobody’s clothes came off, which is why it’s always important to wear your belt.” “This was a busy time of day to be crossing Kirkwood, let alone drunk.”

Sources have confirmed that Willis was not insured meaning he’ll likely be paying out of pocket for the damages to Barthum’s dress. In addition, the resulting investigation found Willis’ ABC to be .21 placing him well above the legal limit to be walking as fast as he was.

The investigation will be conducted over the next month and a half, and the entire west side of campus will be closed in order to protect the initial scene. Sources speculate that Willis will be charged with 3 days in the drunk tank.

The Hoosier Flipside editorial staff would like to advise readers to please walk responsibly, and to refrain from walking if you don’t feel physically capable. Unlike what we publish, injuries resulting from drunk walking are no joke, so we urge you to be safe.