15 Resume-Building Tips You Won’t Learn in Compass
By: Hoosier Flipside Staff
Nothing says “I speak foreign languages” like writing in Microsoft Office’s favorite form of hieroglyphics! Your interviewer will enjoy the challenge of having to transpose your entire resume just to figure out what your email is, and the experience will definitely make you the most memorable candidate–for better or for worse!
2) Write your name as a captcha
Show your employer you respect their intelligence and don’t think they’re just a mindless robot. Plus it’ll be a few extra seconds of them looking at your resume!
3) Mention your middle school perfect attendance award
Most twelve-year-olds were too busy flunking gym and jacking off to Teen Titans comics on DeviantArt to bother paying attention in class, but not you. You showed up to school bright and early every single morning, and now you have the spray-painted gold plastic trophy to prove it. Showing your interviewer that you still cling to this hollow accomplishment nine years later will prove your dedication to punctuality and your fading sense of self-worth as an adult.
4) Add your dexterity modifier
It’s always a good idea to list your stats alongside your armor class and race. Your employer should know whether or not he count on you when that pack of orcs comes in for their quarterly reports. Make sure you max out your charisma for an even better interview!
5) Write three bullet points about your high IQ
Let’s face it: you’re an undiscovered genius who’s far too good for this internship and they need to know that. Make sure you include the hyperlink to the website that the 5 minute IQ test you took in high school was on. Bonus points if you can get your IQ one point higher than the interviewer.
6) Include directions to your house instead of your address
“Turn right out of the parking lot, get on 465 West, follow that for 4 miles, get off on exit 27, follow Willow road for 3/4 of a mile, turn left onto William’s road, it’ll be the 4th house on the left. Yup, the one with the chipping yellow paint and the collapsing roof.”
7) Record your total number of snitch catches on your high school Quidditch league
Nothing stands out from the crowd like a devotion to mythical sports! You need to show your future employer that you’ve got the eye of a hawk, the reflexes of a jungle cat, and the kind of obsessive attachment to tween YA novels that most businesses are used to in their college applicants.
8) Sleep with it under your pillow to add your natural scent
They’re going to be working very closely with you, recruiters will want to know if your scent is a good fit for the work atmosphere
9) Tell them that you’re “a Pam looking for their Jim”
Everyone loves The Office. If they don’t, they’re an evil, humorless person who doesn’t understand modern art. Once you tell your interviewer that you expect nothing short of a television drama-style office romance out of this employment, they’ll know just how committed you are to showing up to work every day stylish and looking for love, and you’ll be hired for sure.
Everyone loves an applicant with real-world experience, and most employers especially like to see their employees unafraid to dabble in a little controversy. What are a few minor terrorist attacks between fellow businessmen?
11) Write it all in a musical greeting card
If your accomplishments can’t fit to the tune of September by Earth, Wind, and Fire, then are you really prepared for this job?
12) Include a picture of your employer’s daughter sitting in your basement
It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
13) Ask your interviewers for a ride home to reiterate how badly you need this job
Let them know you’re committed and that you couldn’t quit, even if you wanted to!
14) Include a picture of your employer’s house
This proves that you’re really good at using online databases like Google Earth, Facebook, and hacking locator apps to find the information you need. It also alerts your employer that you’re dedicated enough to know exactly where to come calling if you don’t hear back in the next 3-5 business days.
15) Offer to vouch for the interviewer in their upcoming divorce proceedings
It’s important to remember that recruiters are people too. And just like other people, they’re flawed individuals who’ve ruined their marriage.