EXPOSED: “Singing Is Just Slow Talking” and Other Things Jacob’s Students Don’t Want You To Know
By Litwig Kanyetoven
It’s actually pronounced “Clarineet”
– This one separates the Jacobs kids from the rest of the campus. Let’s not kid ourselves here, you’ll never pronounce right and you know it. We all know you’re a fraud.
Playing Liszt is pianist BDSM
-Your hands may ache, you may want to stop playing, but god it’ll feel so good when you finger those fourteen climaxes and achieve complete Rhapsody.
John Lennon has been hiding out as a Jacobs janitor for the past 40 years
– You may see he’s a dreamer, but he really isn’t the only one. Ringo Starr usually takes the night shifts. You’ll usually hear him mopping the floor to the music library muttering about escaping Yoko Ono’s attempt to have him killed. Imagine that.
Josh Bell is regularly seen creeping around music annex
– Legend has it you can hear him play on cold, winter nights by the light of the full moon. He’ll also do your notation music for $5 bucks and half a Snickers bar.
Nickelback was the most promising group of graduates Jacobs ever had
– Only Jacobs students can understand the pure artistry and resonance of Nickelback’s music. Anyone who says that the lead singer’s voice sounds like a cow trying to sing through a bag of gravel will never understand music and should never step foot in the MAC ever again.
Music school career center closed in 1987
– Yes, while you probably won’t get employed with your Jazz Piano degrees, you can still get housing assistance from the university by the cardboard box recycling bin behind the MAC.
Rebecca Black teaches a masters class
– Professor Black’s Survey on the History of Party Music and its Effects on the Weekend Experience is only rivaled by Prof. Jacob Sartorius’s Into to Rhythmic and Rhyming Structures class.
Tuba majors are legally not allowed to have sex
– Celibacy is the key to those low, resonant notes.
Even we don’t know the difference between a sousaphone and a tuba
– The school, since it’s founding has offered a full tuition scholarship and an automatic Grammy to any student who discovers the difference. All those who have attempted have failed. Legend has it that one student learned the truth but was tragically killed by a falling piano at 3 AM. It has never been attempted since.
Stradivariuses aren’t really that great
– It’s all just a ploy by Big Violin to get you to buy more instruments.
Your diaphragm is actually a parasite trying to consume your lungs
– Singing from your diaphragm calms its vicious, yet subtle attacks. Smoking weed also helps.
Hiccuping is acoustic dubstep
-It may be an art form, but you can’t major in it just yet.