BREAKING: FIJI Pledge Bravely Challenges Brett Kavanaugh to a Game of Beer Pong for Supreme Court Seat
By K.C. Jones
BLOOMINGTON, IN- After a bitter week in the battle over newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh, a FIJI pledge boldly challenged Kavanaugh to a game of beer pong for his seat on the Supreme Court.
Posting the challenge onto Instagram, the shirtless Kyle Maxell stated, “Yo bro I don’t know who Brett Kavanaugh thinks he is, but he can’t just say he likes beer and not follow that shit up. Fuck that devil’s triangle bullshit bro. He ain’t man enough to play me for this job, fucking bet!”
Maxwell, a sophomore at Indiana University, was subsequently contacted by reporters the following morning. Speaking to the press he said, “I don’t really remember posting that, but I’m a monster at beer pong, so let’s go, Brett.”
When asked about the constitutionality of such a measure, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell responded, “So long as this isn’t Merrick Garland or Hillary Clinton in a mask again, we don’t have any problem here. Kyle is a prominent Young Republican, has successfully boofed his fair share, and all his female friends said he’s just as respectful as a young Brett Kavanaugh, so why not try to get a Conservative on the bench for 60 years instead of 30?”
When reached out to for a comment, Judge Kavanaugh read the following prepared statement through tears and screams: “Oh, you think the beer is your ally? I was born in it, molded by it. I didn’t see sobriety until I was already a man; by then, it was nothing to me but blinding! The beer betrays you, because it belongs to me. I wonder what will break first… your kidney, or your liver?”
The match has been set for the midnight before the midterm elections and will be televised live on Fox.