BREAKING: Roommate Talks About “That One Guy” from That Thing
By: Picov Andropov
Last Thursday, after hitting his Juul™ and dismounting his Bird™, Tobin entered his dorm room, and asked his roommate, Jared Bunsen, “Hey, dude, you know that guy from that thing? You know that one time, like he played that role…in that movie? Wait, maybe it was a TV show?…”
Unclear on which one of “those guys” Tobin was referring to, Bunsen was confused and surprised. “This is literally the first time that Tobin has attempted to make conversation with me. He’s not in the room most of the time, but when he is, he just lays in his bed garishly swiping right on Tinder™. So yeah, it was weird that he suddenly opened up and started talking about something so deeply personal.”
But Tobin wouldn’t stop. Over the next 2 days, he was spellbound, irresponsive and unable to focus on anything but “that actor, you know the one”. “I began to fear for his mental health, this thing was clearly consuming him,” stated Jared. He continued, “I was just so confused as to why he refused to Google it, claiming ‘No, man, I know this, I know this,” when he clearly did not ‘know this.’”
Jared eventually became to be so fed-up with Tobin, that he made faux sex noises to keep Tobin out of the room. However, after a week or so, Tobin just barged like a total douchebag, restoring the natural order.
Three weeks later, unable to sleep, Tobin orgasmically exclaimed “Topher Grace, SHIT!” at 3 am.