Ways that Bernie Sanders Can STILL Win the 2016 Election
By: Jack Peebis
Bernie Sanders, millennials’ favorite, is in Bloomington today to express his support for candidate Liz Watson. With his presence, some students are still hoping he can with the 2016 election. Two years out, you would think it’s now pretty much impossible to reverse the results. However, with some thorough research, we managed to find some little-known loopholes that could actually flip the election and put our boy Bernie in his rightful seat at the head of our country.
Get ready to go to 88 miles per hour because the easiest, sure-fire way to feel the Bern on Capitol Hill is to go back in time and actually fucking vote! Young people tended to sit out the primaries and general election, so if you can make our generation just a little bit less lazy, we could put the people’s choice in the Oval Office.
If the switcheroo plan seems too complicated, there’s a much easier way to get Bernie into office: summon the paranormal. For this to work, Bernie would need to light seven candles in a Trump Hotel bathroom at midnight. This would be tough for Bernie because it’s past his bedtime, but we all have to make sacrifices for our country. Next, after lighting the candles, and turning off al other lights, Bernie would stare into the darkness and envision what he so desires. After doing this for four minutes, he would chant three times, “Pokemon Go to the Polls. Pokemon Go to the Polls. Pokemon Go to the Polls.” If done correctly, the candles will go out, the room will go quiet, and a soft “WRONG” will emanate from the mirror. The next day we’ll be seeing headlines about President Bernie’s new tax plan, with no mention whatsoever of Donald Trump having ever existed. You may wonder what happened to him, but it’s best not to think about.
The Constitutional Loophole
So, the other plans seem too outlandish? As journalists, it’s rude to insult our readers, but you’re fucking wrong.
Regardless, if you’re uncomfortable with our advice up until now, there is ONE other way to move him in, and it’s fairly procedural. The elections are coming up, and if the Blue Wave pans out, it’s likely that we’ll see a shift in which party controls Congress. If it turns out to lean Democratic, there’s our opening. The Presidential line of succession has the first successor as the Vice President. However, the Speaker of the House is next in line, and there’s our ticket. All we need to do is find a way to remove Trump and Pence from their respective offices. However, Student Legal Services tells us that we can’t advocate for the assassination of a sitting president. Next, we’ll just pay off Democrats to have Bernie chosen as the new Speaker of the House, and then, Bernie will by procedure take the seat, with all the legitimacy of the Constitution.
But the most important part of this strategy is you. It’s critical that you vote this November because, without you, this plan can’t work. But we get it, it might seem like a lost cause for Bernie. In that case, it’s up to you to find your next favorite old white guy and cast your ballot for him.