WARNING: With Halloween Drawing to a Close, the Defenses Holding Back Mariah Carey Are at Their Weakest
THE ICE REALM, Asgard – As winter ‘proaches nigh, and the elder gods stir, Mariah Carey thunderously warms up her vocal chords, hastily chipping away at fall’s defenses against her resounding pop chorale. Each season, as the ground freezes over, the public must prepare themselves for the annual rite of Carey’s voice announcing the triumphant return of white girls in fur jackets.
With Halloween passed, it’s only a matter of days before she’ll be heard again, entertaining wine nights and parties across campus. Holding no regard for the sanctity of holidays like Thanksgiving, in mere weeks she’ll be heard in every mall, radio station, and Target ad.
But listeners beware: Mariah Carey will use her siren song to pierce your ears and grasp your soul. As she melodically asserts her dominion over humankind, she’ll screech, beautifully, once again grasping us all in her eldritch grip: “All I want for Christmas is you.”