BREAKING: IU French and Italian Department to Separate Due to ‘Overwhelming Sexual Tension’
BLOOMINGTON, IN–Due to an increasing inability to focus on classes the IU French and Italian Department, FRIT, decided it’s best to separate.
Department Chair Massimo Scalabrini released a statement Monday, “It has come to my attention that an increasing number of our staff are straight-up fucking. I admit that sensuous lovemaking is an integral part of Italian and French cultures, and I’m glad to know that our students are being educated on the cultural and sexual details of life in southern Europe. However, with more and more class time being taken up with sex, wine, and foreplay, this relationship simply isn’t working.
This announcement comes on the heels of a scandal last month, wherein professors for FRIT-M307 and FRIT-F100 coordinated a mandatory fuck session as a part of understanding the dominant and submissive roles of Italy and France during WWII.
Not every student is excited about this split. Junior Gabriel Sotto expressed his frustration, “They’re romance languages for Christ sake! I took Italian actively trying to get laid. This is my third year; if they take the sex out of the curriculum, my professor will realize that I don’t actually speak Italian.”
At press time, Italian professors Sofia Lucciano and Giuseppe Pisani were seen fucking outside Wells Library, alternating taking drags from a cigarette.