BREAKING: IU to Launch New Line of ‘IU-Ds’
By: Picov Andropov
BLOOMINGTON, IN – In an effort to combat the rising rate of pregnancy amongst the female student body, Indiana University is launching a new line of “IU-D’s.”
“We’re making a real break-through with this revolutionary crimson and cream, 99.8% effective birth control method,” stated president Michael McRobbie. “Our Indiana Uterine device will ensure that our female student bodies will be able to get ‘knackered’ without getting ‘knocked-up.’”
The new device will be available to be installed at no cost at the IU Health Center. Nurses project wait times to be roughly 5 years, a whole 10 years shorter than the standard wait-time to visit the health center.
In fact, IU has set a remarkable precedent in this field, and other Universities are beginning to follow suit. On the east coast, Villanova is launching their line of ‘Villanova Vasectomies,’ and back home, Purdue just announced its line of ‘Purdue Prophylactics.’ However, as it stands these methods are only about 30% effective at preventing pregnancy. In addition, students at Purdue have complained about the condoms leaving black and gold streaks on their genitals as well as the distinct smell of ‘failure.’
We interviewed Blake Cooper, local Alpha Kappa Psi pledge, who stated, “I think it’s great that this school’s taking initiative on such an important issue. I’d like to put my IU-D in those IU-D’s, if I-You know what I IU-mean, amiright?”
To all those girls considering an IU-D, IU Health lead physician, Barbara Burgess urged caution in choosing a partner: “While this product can prevent pregnancy, it cannot prevent bad sex, or a deep sense of regret.”