By: Jake Spear

Legally, no, the president might not be able to make legislation—but frankly, who gives a shit anymore? Our reporters here at Hoosier Flipside have listed the 14 executive orders you were too busy worrying about Brett Kavanaugh’s little ferret face to notice.

1. If you’re a part of the FBI investigation for Trump, he’s legally allowed to give you a noogie.
It’s just a part of the chain of command.

2. Repealed the 3rd-27th Amendments
Because all we really need to be “the land of the free” are magazines and megaphones.

3. There is a federal fine for voting Democrat
This doesn’t include the extra spent on taxes.

4. You’re legally obligated to own 2 firearms
It’s called the 2nd Amendment for a reason.

5. All female senators must be chosen through The Bachelor
Honestly, Alexandria Occasio-Cortez still has a pretty good shot.

6. Redskins have to change their name to something even more offensive
“The football team known as the Washington Redskins are now hereby known as the [REDACTED] Fuckers.”

7. Transgendered people can’t buy bicycles
Activists have started selling pancycles to support the trans community.

8. All radio stations must play the national anthem
Specifically, the version recorded from Barron Trump’s 3rd grade recorder recital.

9. Added a “Take-backsie Clause” into every treaty
All treaties must also now be confirmed with a pinkie swear.

10. New York Times has to put “Fake News” on every cover
Smug bastards think they’re better than the Hoosier Flipside.

11. CDC must refer to Crohn’s disease as Macron’s disease
We’re not sure if Macron has it, but we’re going to act like he does.

12. Every U.S. citizen legally has to follow Trump on Twitter
Just another state-sponsored form of news, just like NPR.

13. Judge Jennine Pierro has been appointed to the Supreme Court
She’ll definitely be willing to work with the “Demon-Rats”

14. Bernie Sanders will be crucified
If he stays dead, Trump will be happy. If he rises on the 3rd day, Pence will be.