IU Announces Ballantine Fence Expanding To Come Between You and Your Crush
By: K.C. Jones
BLOOMINGTON, IN- The continuing construction near Ballantine hall is about to make students’ lives a bit more difficult, as IU announced today that the fence surrounding Ballantine will be expanding to become a direct obstacle between you and your crush, specifically.
Construction worker T.J. Maxwell was doing his part this week to let students know before this part of the construction begins. “While I understand your frustration, it’s not like you were gonna talk to your crush, like, ever. Come on.”
When reached for comment, construction manager Joseph Quimbly stated, “They can never be allowed to form a union! A pox on both their houses!” Mr. Quimbly died of a mortal wound shortly thereafter.
Construction spokeswoman Diana Martin also read the following statement explaining the fence expansion: “We’re sure a lot of people are upset about this, but frankly that’s ignoring the truth of the matter. Guess what pussy? You were never going to talk to your crush. It’s time to move on. The fence is confident, unlike you. The fence knows what it wants, unlike you. It doesn’t matter what you have to say about this construction. The fence has an amazingly tight, yet supple ass, unlike you.”
Ms. Martin later stated that future construction plans include expanding the fence around your estranged stepfather.