BREAKING: Angry Students Hold Shit-In Demanding 2-Ply Toilet Paper
by Cleetus Haversham
BLOOMINGTON – Today, bathroom stalls across campus for once are not full of people looking to expel the remnants of the morning coffee, but of angry students demanding better conditions for their sphincters. The university’s pre-eminent asshole advocacy group, Association for Standard Shits, has begun a “shit-in” across campus in order to protest the lack of two-ply toilet paper.
Since Indiana University was established in 1818, students have only ever been provided with the bare essentials in terms of ass-wiping. Sophomore and president of A.S.S., Duke Dropper, has some ideas about how to change that.
“We literally just want 2 ply toilet paper. I’m tired wrapping my hands up in mittens just so I don’t have to feel how drippy my ass crack is. It’s always moist.” The shit-in is only the most recent visible demonstration organized by A.S.S. “We have every stall, port-a-potty, and outhouse on campus occupied by our brave defecators.”
Dropper’s cause is supported widely across the campus, though some question the group’s methods. Associate Professor Seymour Butts has strong words for Dropper and the Association. “These dumb A.S.S. students won’t move. I’ve been holding in a midnight Taco Bell run for 3 days! OH GOD HERE IT COMES!” Professor Butts declined to further comment as he was sighted digging a hole in the ground behind the student building.
Other students have condemned the group for blocking access to the stalls altogether. “I was just looking forward to using the stalls in peace, man; now my whole daily routine is ruined,” senior Roland Dubees told our reporters. “I’m not trying to share a bathroom with some rando who won’t toss in bro. That’s church.”
Dropper is sympathetic to the concerns of pissed off people across campus; however, he insists that this campaign and its rewards are worth the wait.
“When that sweet, sweet feeling of velvety two-ply touches your butt-crack in the bathroom of Wells Library, you’ll thank our vigilante shitters for holding their positions tightly and remaining firm in their resolve.”
IU Police have asked that people refrain from pooping in the Showalter fountain at this time.