By: Jack Peebis

Last week, in a rebuke to increasing climate change denial in Congress, leading NASA scientists unveiled a new potential solution to the problem: teleporting the entire planet to Jupiter.

“We are done. We are fucking done,” said David Larry, Head of NASA’s new program. “We do years of research into these climate studies, pour millions of dollars into showing how the world is going to shit, and what do we get? Not a word of press, and not a dollar in funding. We even got Al Gore on our side. Al. Motherfucking. Gore.”

Larry further outlined his department’s grievances, saying, “We put a team of men on the moon, numerous times, and then you all just suddenly forget about our legacy when some dipshit with a few billion dollars slingshots one of his own cars into the stratosphere? Where’s the respect for our profession?”

NASA, feeling neglected in the last few years under a series of budget cuts, has considered a few different public relations campaigns to boost support for the embattled organization. “At first, we thought we should just play along and have a guy in a Smokey the Bear costume look at a few graphs, and then turn around and scream ‘The Earth is gonna fucking explode!’ so that people would start taking these findings seriously.”

After that failure to launch, NASA turned to Pixar to make a simulation of what the Earth would look like whenever the sea levels rose and destroyed all human life. After numerous pitch meetings, however, only Dreamworks considered their proposal. Larry stated that this effort, “ended up turning into Shrek Forever After, which was an abomination unto itself on an existential level.” Feeling hopeless after seeing the final result NASA decided it just wasn’t worth it anymore.

“We’re going to Jupiter’s Big Red Dot. I do not fucking care anymore. The department is in a state of martial law, and we have conquered the other branches of NASA as claim to our dawning empire. We’re building the goddamn machine, and we are going to the Big Fucking Dot, because maybe then you’ll actually take us seriously. You’ll see. You’ll ALL see!”

NASA intends to have the project completed by 2033, provided that the Earth hasn’t flooded by then.