Can’t Go Home, Can’t Stay Here: 9 Things for Commuters To Do During Their 3 Hour Gap Between Classes
By: Robbie McMichael, Sutton Lee Seymour, Flipside Staff
- Pace around a very populous area and talk loudly on your phone: Don’t worry, we’re sure that everybody trying to cut through the Wells lobby to get to class or take a study break wants to hear all about how your roommate never bothers to do the fucking dishes.
- Masturbate in the IMU bathroom: We recommend the one behind the desk with the sorority girls asking you for money. It’s a little slow, yet there’s still a chance someone might catch you. Kinky!
- Skinny dip at the WIC: What, so now you’re expected to bring your swimsuit on campus every time you ride the bus over just in case you feel the need to get all moist? Nah, girl; #freethatnipple all over the place.
- Get to second base with the Showalter Fountain booby lady: You know you want a little squeeze. So wet, so slippery. Come on, just do it.
- Take your laptop to UITS with porn still playing onscreen: “I have no idea what happened, dude. The ad just said I’d meet hot Russian babes, and now all of a sudden I’ve got a virus?!? You can’t trust any illegal anime streaming sites these days!”
- Catch squirrels with an empty laundry basket: It’s not like you were ever do your laundry anyway. Plus, roasted squirrel makes a great snack for when your dinky 500 I-BUCKS plan runs out after two weeks.
- Play with the cadavers in Jordan Hall: Come on, they’re basically real-life Barbie dolls. When else will you get to do that tea party you’ve always dreamed of?
- Join the cadavers in Jordan Hall: Convince them that you’re one of them. It’ll make the corpses more willing to perform your bidding. Trust me.
- Bully the IUPD cadets for not being real officers: NOTE: Recommended for white people only.