By Barry Vile and Cleetus Haversham

Bloomington natives found stocking up on supplies to prepare for annual Little Five hibernation

As the countdown to Little Five week continues, more and more Bloomington natives like John Wine are starting to stock up on supplies to prepare for Little Five.

“After my first experience with Little Five and all of the things that I just couldn’t find in the store that week, I realized that this was some end-of-times shit,” Wine said.

Wine’s strategy is part of a growing trend among Bloomington natives like Charlotte Norton who have made a point to store all their valuables and loved ones in hypogeal vaults.

“I’ve been renting a one bedroom cell under Wells because I don’t want to tempt the wrath of a vengeful God,” Norton said.

“Everything about that week, the amount of sirens, the lack of sleep, and the excessive drunk people are awful, and clearly portend an apocalypse I intend to avoid.”

As a result of the stockpiling of supplies, Kroger stores are seeing a tremendous increase in the sales of matches and lighters, canned soup, ramen noodles, and Rad Away. Construction of fortified, underground hideaways has risen sharply, but some may not be completed in time.

“Little Five week is worse than nuclear annihilation,” Wine said. “As a result, the only logical thing to do is hide in a bomb shelter for a week and hope our children will have the strength to build a better world from the ashes.”