By K.C. Jones and Sutton Lee Seymour

BLOOMINGTON, IN – With Little 500 weekend upon us, you already know it’s time to get Litty Titty. What you may not have realized, however, is that Itty Bitty Critters can get Litty Titty too!

This year, Bloomington’s rats, mice, squirrels, and other rodents are preparing a celebration of their own: Stuart Little 500. The race, named for the titular Mouse, will run all the way from inside Gresham food court, up through the steaming Ashton sewer covers, and end at the doors of KOK, where participants will be greeted with a cold, nutty beer. Afterward, a ceremony will be held where prizes will be awarded, ranging from a tiny red shirt to tiny brown pants to tiny red sneakers. Modest Mouse has already confirmed that they will be headlining this event, as is proper, followed controversially by the Pussy Cat Dolls.

Unfortunately, the littlest Little will not be present to award prizes himself, as he got tied up with some loan sharks hounding him for “the Cheddar.” Replacing him will be Speedy Gonzales, arriving fresh from a meeting with President Trump as a representative of the Mexican Government.

In addition to the aforementioned prizes for participants, the grand winner will be awarded the traditionally time-honored prize of being adopted by a human family. This year’s family will be none other than the McRobbies, as President Michael McRobbie has said, “My fuck-up son Trapp is already a disgusting, mangy sewer rat. What’s one more in our bloodline?” As a consolation prize, second and third place participants will be adopted by a weirdly-enthusiastic flock of crows in a trench coat.