Indiana University Announces Plan to Reanimate 1830s Inaugural Class for Bicentennial Celebration
By: Barry Vile, Flipside Staff
Indiana University president Michael McRobbie recently announced plans to bring the entire Indiana University class of 1830 back to life for the school’s 200th anniversary.
“It’s incredible to think that we’ll have the opportunity to have a firsthand account of the university from almost 200 years ago,” said Dr. Josiah Chalmers, head of the IU Biotechnology program. “We’re very excited to hear about the differences between the university then and now, their reaction to women being allowed to speak, and what it was like to own black people.”
The event has since sparked much controversy, with many questioning the morality of reviving so many long-dead individuals, especially when they have no idea that other races are now entitled to the same rights as them.
Carson Bigsby, area African-American Diaspora studies major, told reporters he looked forward to hearing what the undead class has to say. “I’ve been looking for a research topic for my final paper, and learning all the old, antiquated slurs these guys call black people sounds perfect.”
When the reanimation occurs, activities planned by the orientation committee are extensive and exciting. Class members are encouraged to sit in the oldest room in Ballantine Hall to look at paper cutouts of Kaitlyn Bennett’s Twitter, or, if they choose, they can watch a video loop of a whitewashed Jeanine Pirro talk about God on Fox News.
“I’ve been looking for a research topic for my final paper, and learning all the old, antiquated slurs these guys call black people sounds perfect.”
When the reanimation occurs, activities planned by the orientation committee are extensive and exciting. Class members are encouraged to sit in the oldest room in Ballantine Hall to look at paper cutouts of Kaitlyn Bennett’s Twitter, or, if they choose, they can watch a video loop of a whitewashed Jeanine Pirro talk about God on Fox News.
To ensure the comfort of the honored guests, the university has announced it will be taking several measures to keep them convinced that the enslavement of an entire race is still socially acceptable. These measures include the temporary covering up of the Neal Marshall building, removal of all portraits featuring black basketball players, and the paid leave of any minority professors. Bloomington and university residents have also been properly cautioned: women have been advised to wear layers and visible chastity belts if walking outside, LGBTQ+ students have been advised to speak only to reanimated guests as if they were their own Republican grandparents, as well as banning Doc Martens and platinum hair dye, and the only dogs allowed to be walked on campus at the time of the reanimation are white labs.
Amidst concerns that these measures will not be enough to ensure peace with IU’s zombified guests, historians have reassured the university that considering the current political and social landscape, the revived alumni might not even notice that they are in the 21st century.
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