By Robbie McMichael, Flipside Staff

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  1. 1,000 ants: Every child loves an ant farm, but in 2019, the glass walls seem oppressive. Call them free-range ants.
  2. Several, smaller Easter eggs: Keep your little cousins guessing in which egg chocolate is going to be found. The answer is none of them!
  3. A crown of actual thorns: What’s the real reason for the season? The torture and death of an innocent man. And what better way to remember that than by hiding actual torture implements in your Easter eggs?
  4. A positive pregnancy test: Send people of a REAL hunt this year—who got knocked up?
  5. A bunch of nail clippings: This one is to just make your nephew Georgie sob uncontrollably. He needs to be taken down a peg.
  6. A fresh rabbit’s foot, still bleeding: A classic lucky charm freshly made.
  7. The virgin Mary’s uterus: It’s so pristine! What child wouldn’t want this beautiful reminder of our Lord’s divinity?
  8. The apathy of your Jewish friends: It’s just an empty Easter egg, but it represents the alienation of religious minorities in this country. Art.
  9. The leftovers from the Last Supper: Stale bread and some brown dude’s blood! Yummy!
  10. One of the bullets that killed the Irish martyrs on Easter 1916: Celebrate the Irish Republic and teach your little siblings to support their oppressed brothers and sisters.
  11. Jesus’ foreskin: If you take our suggestion, please make sure everyone know it’s not candy.
  12. PCP: Let’s get this party started.
  13. Peter’s cotton tail: Show the spoils of your early morning hunt by giving Keighleigh the cute, little, furry tail of sweet baby rabbit.