Flipside’s Finals Week Recipe for Success
By: Sutton Lee Seymour, Robbie McMichael, Flipside Staff
Don’t worry, bud, we already know: you didn’t study for any of your finals, the ultimate hour is upon us, and you’re so desperate to pull a C in this class that you’re turning to alchemy. Fear not: we here at Hoosier Flipside are one step ahead! After our team concluded countless hours of research in the secret tunnels underneath the Arboretum, bartered their souls to a secret society of Chi Omega witches, and bought a dubiously-credible grimoire off eBay, we can conclusively say we’ve created the definitive finals week recipe for success!
A room-temp flask of PBR: We know what you’re thinking: slamming cheap, shitty beer all day is what got you in this mess in the first place. But the potion needs a liquid base and, in all honesty, we figured most of our readers would have one of these on hand anyway.
1 cup Charley Biggs Mac ‘n Cheese: The lingering beta radiation that’s leftover in all Charley Biggs food helps to stimulate natural brainwave activity. If your epiphany lasts for longer than four hours you should contact your doctor.
1 puff of Juul Smoke: The flavor is up to you. We recommend Pineapple Passion. Tropical, yum!
2 Xanies: Crush these up with a mortar and pestle, resist the urge to snort them (we know it’s tempting, but be strong), and add them to the cauldron.
1 cup of jizz stolen from bio life: It’s best to go at 3 am when the security officers are playing their nightly round of Euchre. Make sure you’re stealing HUMAN jizz and not any of the monkey shit they have on hand, though, or else you probably won’t notice any difference in your final grades.
3 hairs from your professor: Sprinkle these in while chanting whatever weird, probably racist voodoo spell you find on the first page of Google search results
Bleach, for taste: Because let’s be real, once you drink this shit show and realize there’s no way in hell you’re gonna pass these classes, you’re gonna be chugging it raw anyway.