Peebis, Jack Peebis

Students at IU were shocked to see their phones light up with an IU General Alert this past Sunday.

The initial shock was that there was an alert at all; “I totally forgot there was even a system for this,” remarked one student. However, as they got over their surprise at the return of what was thought to be an ancient myth, they were blindsided by the details of the safety alert – or, rather, the lack thereof:

“IU GENERAL ALERT: Something Happening Somewhere, Probably. Honestly, we can barely be assed to figure it out at this point. IUPD is short-staffed as-is, what with the crisis of students thinking they’re allowed to park on-campus, so whatever the dangerous situation is, if there even is one, it’s probably best to just assume there’s something happening, and that it’s really, really bad. Stay out of the general area until further notice, whenever we get around to it.”

Students were left with many questions: What situation? When will there be further notice? Where is the “general area”? How do I pay off all these parking tickets? Desperate for answers, some students went to IUPD, with little success. “Situation? On or sort-of-near campus? Hell if I know, I’m pretty much just a meter maid. Say, you haven’t seen any cars near here, have you? They’re pretty much illegal, and I GOTTA get this quota fulfilled.”

Eventually, students just accepted that the general area of concern was all of Bloomington, Indiana. IU is quickly working to remedy this dangerous situation by evicting as many students from their Bloomington properties as possible, and hope the problem solves itself by the time the Bicentennial Celebration finally happens.