bernie taco

2/6/2020

By Jack Peebis

EXCLUSIVE: Bernie Sanders Reveals His Top 5 Items on Taco Bell’s Dollar Menu

Sometimes, when you’re on the go, you need something quick, cheap, and easy. When you’re running a successful grassroots presidential campaign, you’re ALWAYS on the go. And when it comes to campaigning, who better to ask than Senator Bernie Sanders? We here at Flipside sat him down for an interview, and he was surprisingly candid about his dietary habits. So, without further ado, here are Bernie Sanders’ Top Tastes from Taco Bell’s Value Menu.

-5. Cinnamon Twists – “You may be wondering why I start with the Cinnamon Twists on the bottom of my list. I am here to tell you why: I am not joking around. When I take the beloved Twists and put them at the BOTTOM of my Top Five, you know that I am being as serious about this food list as I am about- [at this point, he went on some rant about healthcare or whatever, and the interviewer zoned out].”

-4. Cheesy Bean and Rice Burrito – “Oh, you’re surprised? You thought I would start in with the Cheesy Roll Up? Let me tell you something: I do not tolerate bullshit terribly well, and the Cheesy Roll Up is a bullshit item. Does Taco Bell really expect America to settle for a measly 180 calories of tortilla and cheese, when the dollar they spend on that could just as easily be spent on the same thing, but with more ingredients and over twice the calorie value? We, as Americans, should stop settling for less. When we buy the Cheesy Roll Up, the billionaires win.”

-3. Spicy Potato Soft Taco – “At first, I thought this menu item said ‘Sweet Potato Soft Taco,’ and, frankly, I was outraged. When I was corrected, I listened, and decided that, much like American politics, my dietary habits were overdue for a real change. I, for one, acknowledge my past mistakes honestly, and this item is now one of my all-time favorites. If it is ever discontinued, I will make sure that Taco Bell is also discontinued.”

-2. Beefy Fritos Burrito – “Let me be clear: I am not proud of my enjoyment of this item. It is 100% a guilty pleasure item, and I am willing to admit to that.”

-1. Shredded Chicken Quesadilla Melt – “My opponents will tell you they use Medium Sauce, or sometimes Mild Sauce. Personally, I prefer a sauce that pushes things a little further. That is why I, Bernie Sanders, use Diablo Sauce, and the Quesadilla Melt is the perfect platform on which to use it. Now, you might be wondering: Is my stomach healthy enough to endure the challenge of Diablo Sauce? Let me tell you, it will not be easy. But, unlike some certain state elections, I know exactly what to expect, and the results are both predictable and almost immediate.”