We’re the DNC, help us find the next presidential nominee
Written by: Jared Reed
Hello! Thank you for taking the time to sit down with the DNC today! We just got the numbers back and it seems there isn’t as much love for Joe Biden as we thought. But hey, 42% is better than the last guy.
But we hear you loud and clear. You don’t want a second term with Biden. Well, a lot of you didn’t want a first. “The lesser of two evils” as many of you kept repeating, thanks for the note by the way. That’s why we’re here to try and understand your wants and needs so that we can give you someone you’re proud to vote for in 2024.
Which you’re sure isn’t Biden? No? Okay, no worries — just checking. We had a hunch about this so we’ve got a few familiar faces in mind. We’d like to run them by you, because we know that it would be ridiculous to expect you to keep voting for us unconditionally ha-ha, right?
Anyway, well what do you think about Kamala Harris? An obvious choice. We thought we could get her in there one way or another. Frankly, we didn’t think it would take a whole election cycle.
“More of the same thing”, you say? Okay, I mean she’s a woman and not white. That’s about as opposite as you can get over here. No problem though; we have a pretty extensive list here.
Oh, Mayor Pete! You all loved Mayor Pete. He’s gay but doesn’t support ‘Medicare for all’. Seems like a good middle ground if you ask me.
What do you mean we’re “playing the token gay card again”?
There’s also Amy Klobuchar. You remember her, right? At her peak she was rocking a strong 2% in the polls. She was at almost all of the debates and spoke for nearly three collective minutes. No, she wasn’t popular, but neither was Joe.
I don’t want to keep beating a dead horse, but are we sure we’re not happy with Joe? What if we dressed him up like AOC and we got him to do a Twitch stream? Oh, that’d make it worse? Okay. Noted.
Anyways, moving on. Bernie Sanders? Wait a second, how did that get in there? Sorry about that.
Look, I know these aren’t exactly the people you want in office, but compromise is a big part of politics. We give conservatives a moderate democrat president, agree to not touch the filibuster, and stay 100 feet away from raising the minimum wage at all times, and in exchange we get the senate floor seats with extra cushioning.
Look, if we legalize weed federally can we just let Joe go again? No? Oh, we already told him he could. Sorry! Don’t forget to vote!