Top 7 Bloomington Eats for when that Fucking Fuckface Breaks your Goddamn Heart
By: Hermynn Bae Wells Square Donuts Let’s be real, girl—he was a square anyway. Let the delicious taste of fried dough take you to a time before the thought of…
Area Student Loses Virginity to 20-Page Essay on Antidisestablishmentarianism
By: Voidius Black Following a period of intense procrastination this past week, Indiana University freshman Mason Briggs lost his virginity to a 20-page paper on Antidisestablishmentarianism. “I can’t believe how…
Jacobs School of Music Accepts First Air Guitar Performance Major
By: Jacopo Inboden Indiana University’s Jacobs School of Music has just announced the acceptance of its very first Air Guitar Performance Major, a young man named Chaz Rodriguez. “You know,…
Area Police Force Increases Diversity, Hires Man with Black Friend
By: Constance T. Nopel DELPHI, INDIANA— In the wake of widespread protests against police brutality and discrimination, the Delphi Police Department announced Tuesday its efforts to better meet its town’s…
Kelley to Begin Offering Degree in “Inheritance Consumption”
By: Joe King BLOOMINGTON, IN--Indiana University administration announced this week that, in 2017, the Kelley School of Business will introduce a new degree program that will allow certain students to…
7 Great Excuses for when your Roommate Catches you Masturbating into his Fishtank
By: Phil I was correcting the pH balance You were sleeping and I needed motivation It’s just a prank bro I can’t finish if no one’s watching I have a…
Family of Roaches discovered in Memorial Stadium Locker Room a Sign of Good Hope for Football Team
By: Barry Vile and Bismo Falcor Following the discovery of a fast-multiplying family of cockroaches in the Memorial Stadium locker room, experts and fans have been gearing up for the…
Area Freshman Reviled By Fellow Students For Thinking School Colors Are Red and White
By: Jacopo Inboden BLOOMINGTON, IN--Flipside has just received word that local first-year Hoosier, Kaylee Wellington, still thinks that Indiana University’s school colors are red and white after attending more than…
Foster Dorm Floor White Board Goes Record 45 Seconds Without Being Covered by Penises
By: Jacopo Inboden BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Last Thursday, Foster RA Peter Johnson was shocked to find that his dorm floor’s whiteboard went a full 45 seconds without being covered in drawings of…
National Over-Sized Jersey Shortage Leaves Local Sorority in Panic
By: Mike “MC Grandmaster DJ Kool” Jones Following another busy rush season, sporting goods manufacturers have been unable to keep up with the constant demand of oversized sports jerseys. “It’s like…