By:  Mike “MC Grandmaster DJ Kool” Jones

Following another busy rush season, sporting goods manufacturers have been unable to keep up with the constant demand of oversized sports jerseys.

“It’s like sooo tragic, what will we wear to parties? How will we show the frat boys how much we love sports? Boys love when their girl gets excited when the team hits a touchdown!” cried local senior Ashley Madison. Madison, a junior in Omega Mu Gamma Sorority, and countless others are coping with what is surely the most devastating crisis since the flower crown shortage of 2008.

This tragedy comes just in time for a busy party season, and sororities have already taken emergency measures to adjust. Some have suggested, however, that it may already be too late. The local Dick’s Sporting Goods was looted as would-be partiers engulfed the store looking for the last supply of defect jerseys. The rioting continued around College Mall as girls donning charred and torn Robert Griffin III jerseys burned everything in their paths. At the same time, a contingent of girls stormed Assembly Hall in a misguided attempt to steal the players’ uniforms. With the Indiana National Guard standing by, IU President Michael McRobbie suggested girls should utilize the used jersey section at the local Goodwill. When asked about the solutions, Madison simply said, “Gross,” as she pulled the jersey off of a dead Yogi Ferrell.