Planned Parenthood Funding Cuts to Spark Growth in Mom and Pop Abortion Clinics
By: Mack E. Velli BLOOMINGTON, IN -- Following the Senate's recent passing of a bill to defund Planned Parenthood, many Bloomington store owners are considering opening up back-alley abortion clinics…
Area Freshmen Raid Chemistry Building in Search of Acid
By: Robben DeCash BLOOMINGTON, IN--With Little 500 on the horizon, freshman couple Rachel Morgan and Jacob Feinberg recently executed a raid of Indiana University’s chemistry building looking for Lysergic Acid…
Local Fraternity Redirects All Philanthropic Efforts Towards Curing Baldness
By: Barry Vile As a way to pay tribute to graduating brother Blake Simmons, the members of social fraternity Mu Gamma Beta have pledged to find a cure for male…
CAPS Wait-List Begins Shrinking as More Students Opt to Drop Out
BLOOMINGTON, IN--As midterms come and go, the IU Counseling and Psychological Services center has noticed a sharp decrease in the number of sessions they are scheduling from this time last…
Op-ed: McNutt Veteran Speaks Out
By: Winston Nochill Few places can be considered as rank while oddly sexually stimulating as McNutt. There is enough vomit in the hallway to make a four course meal, and…
FIJI House Demolition Reveals Ancient Fossils of Hazed Pledges
By: Fannie Wanker BLOOMINGTON, IN--Recent construction efforts to expand the Maurer Law School have uncovered a tar pit filled with fossilized human remains underneath what was once the foundation of…
Broke Student Found Doing Laundry in Jordan River
By: Barry Vile BLOOMINGTON, IN–Following a recent rainfall, freshman Zachary Raymond was found sitting on the grass adjacent to the Jordan River with a laundry basket and a washboard in…
Jacobs School of Music Awards Lead Singer of Smash Mouth Honorary Degree
By: Jake Spear BLOOMINGTON, IN-- In a recent move to honor exceptional musical achievement, the Jacobs School of Music has decided to grant honorary degrees to artists who have brought…
Pope Francis Confirms God is “Just One of the Guys”
By: Pink Freud VATICAN CITY -- In an official statement issued by the Holy See, His Holiness the Pontiff Pope Francis affirmed the centuries old church doctrine that God is…
New Study Reveals Bullying Affects Losers Hardest
By: Jonathan Pollock WICHITA FALLS, TX -- A recent study in the prestigious journal Suck It, Nerd! Quarterly has found that, contrary to popular opinion, losers suffer the most at the hands…