Purdue Sleeper Agent Discovered in Kelley, Hostage Crisis Ensues
By: Jug R. Not Professor Bersching’s financial accounting class was abruptly halted yesterday when a student’s audible joke about Purdue University activated the programming of a Krannert School of Management…
Seven Year Old Indonesian Boy Already Making Jeans at a Fifth Grade Level
By: Bismo Falcor and Flip Flipoutsky A class of seven year olds in a small village on the Indonesian island of Java was surprised by a special visit from the…
INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: Men’s Rights Activists Barricade Themselves In Friendzone Compound
By: Penny C. Bubblegum In the forest behind an abandoned Gamestop, nine men huddle around a fire that won’t start. An array of cheeto crust marks the Friendzone Compound territory,…
Hyper-Realistic First Person Shooter Includes Years of PTSD and Bad Veteran Hospitals
By: Mack E. Velli Electronic Studios has released their newest first-person-shooter, “Collateral: Vietnam.” In addition to being an action-packed shooter, this game will also have a major story-line centered around…
Top 7 Bloomington Eats for when that Fucking Fuckface Breaks your Goddamn Heart
By: Hermynn Bae Wells Square Donuts Let’s be real, girl—he was a square anyway. Let the delicious taste of fried dough take you to a time before the thought of…
Indiana University Football Player Suspended from Team after Receiving A on Exam
By: Barry Vile After receiving a solid A this past week on his finite exam, Indiana University’s backup quarterback Mike Austin was suspended from the team for "not living up…
Frustrated, Overwhelmed CAPS to Just Start Handing out Weed
By: Bismo Falcor Following the high influx of students whose mental health has been destroyed by stress, Indiana University’s Counseling and Psychological Services has announced it will be simply handing…
Breaking: Hillary Clinton’s “Deleted Emails” Discovered on Tenth Floor of Ballantine Stairwell
By: Fannie Wanker Students and amateur climbers should expect changes following the discovery of a Lenovo Yoga 2 laptop, which contained Word documents of every one of Hillary Clinton’s emails,…
Cubs Attribute Victory to Local Fan’s Insistence on Wearing Lucky Underwear
By: Bismo Falcor Following their historic World Series victory over the Cleveland Indians, the Chicago Cubs finally acknowledged that their victory had less to do with hard work, determination, and…
ISIS Declares Ceasefire in Order to Watch New Season of ‘Walking Dead’
By: Penny C. Bubblegum ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi has ordered a ceasefire while his men scrambled to find a computer that hadn’t been bombed to pieces so they could…