An Homage to Finite Midterms: 6 Brave Souls Who Died for Your Curve
By: Al Dente
Sacrifice comes in all shapes and sizes. From a firefighter risking his life for another, to a student in the dining hall who pulls recyclables out of the trash and puts them into the recycling bin. Last weekend, six Finite students made the ultimate sacrifice to save our grades in a purely selfless move. This is in remembrance of those brave martyrs who gave their lives for the Finite Midterm curve.
1. That Kid Who Leaves Nervously for the Bathroom Every Class
We all know that loveable fumble who kept leaving in the middle of every lecture. If anyone was going to go down for the midterm curve, it was this guy. After all, he was out of class for twenty minutes doing God knows what while the rest of us sat through hell. We’ll never know his name, but we’ll never forget you, you diabetic fuck.
2. Danielle the “Compassionate Soul”
A sophomore cinema studies major and avid traveler, Danielle is all about helping others. A student in her section noted how, “She would often talk about her trip to South Korea and how she worked at this mission with a bunch of poor African children in Pyongyang and how she felt so terrible about how poor they were.” But Danielle’s compassion went beyond those children, it extended to helping us pass finite. Though she didn’t mean to, Danielle saved us. While she put her best into passing finite, just as she put her best into saving little Li-Zhang from that oncoming truck, her best wasn’t enough. Danielle, you may have been able to do better if you had just guessed on every question, but we’ll never forget about your love for those poor Vietnamese orphans in Rio De Janeiro.
3. Brett from Intramurals
Bro couldn’t take another loss, and yet, he did. For us.
4. SJW Who Gave Her Life for More Female Representation
Tired of the male hero-complex defining the midterm curve, an unnamed SJW exclaimed in a Facebook post that her choice was “to promote female representation amongst failing students.” Using her gender studies knowledge, she wrote an essay detailing how Markhov Chains were symbolic of the “shackles of the patriarchy.” This came after she answered 3 multiple choice questions, with a 5 point essay explaining how the test room temperature was sexist because it was a, “f*cking tundra as cold as the lifeless hearts of men.”
5. Kid Who Shows Up 30 minutes late, Leaves 20 minutes early
Who is this hero, who does what we only dream of? What’s he doing during that time? Where does he spend those extra 50 minutes? All these questions and no answers, just like his midterm. The one thing we can say for sure, he doesn’t spend that extra time studying.
6. The People Who Only Show Up On the Day of the Exam
These are the true Martyrs. Those brave souls who take an F, and then a W, so that we can get a B.