It’s finally here! The phone we’ve all been waiting for since the last time we got a phone with marginally better features! Check out our list below of features that we are most excited about, and let us know your favorites!


1. Disposable. Once it’s out of battery, throw it in the trash.

2. Dick Pic Recognition. Try not to get a boner, or it might not recognize you.

3. Toe Print Scanner. For when whipping it out just isn’t plausible.

4. Siri. This time, she appreciates your supernatural fanfic.

5. Auto-Remove Extra Chins. Chin up, your selfies will look a lot better.

6. U2’s Entire Discography. If you didn’t like one album, there’s bound to be something you like.

7. Crack-Proof Screen. No, like actually this time.

8. Built-in Vape. You’ll be ready for vape nationals in no time.

9. Fidget Spinner. You’ll be the coolest middle-schooler on the block.

10. Fits Perfectly in your Mouth. Much like a dick.

11. Microwave Safe. You might not be safe from nuking, but your phone is.

12. Private Mode Opens Pornhub. Because you’re not using it to check stocks.

13. Available in Rose Gold. The one color you couldn’t find at Lowes.

14. Artisanally hand-crafted by sweatshop orphans. Finally, no more of that assembly line bullshit.