Conservatives Bail Out Toys R Us in Fight Against War on Christmas
By: Justin TruBRO
WASHINGTON D.C. – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) called an emergency session late Wednesday night to allocate $5 billion in order to save Toys R Us, aiding Republican efforts to combat the War on Christmas.
“We can’t just sit around and watch the #1 toy store in America fall to pieces. Their economic problems are a direct result of the liberal agenda to kill all aspects of Christmas. The left can keep their ‘holiday’ gifts delivered by drones, but thankfully we still have a place to buy Christmas gifts from an actual human being. Today was a big step towards Americans saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again,” McConnell stated to reporters.
As part of the bailout, which comes on the heels of increasing liberal animosity towards the holiday of Christmas, Toys R Us will no longer be providing birth control or reproductive care options to their female employees. They are referring to it as an additional attack on the “Liberal Grinches.”
Senator Bernie Sanders (I-Vermont), who for whatever reason doesn’t seem to understand the magnitude of Christmas, condemned the move. “I don’t understand what all of the fuss is about. There’s a Christmas tree in every shopping mall. Television is inundated with ads and specials that all reference the holiday. The only war we are fighting is the war against corrupt multinational corporations who force the hard-working taxpayers to clean up their messes.”
At press time, several Republican senators were reportedly regretting their vote after they were shocked to learn that the 765 stores Toys R Us operates also includes 39 in the Middle East and Northern Africa.