By: Mack E. Velli

Bloomington, IN – The student masses in Professor Williams’ “Theory of Marx and Revolutionary History” seized the means of education today after a long struggle with the professor on the allocation of grades and horrible homework conditions. Soon after Professor Williams was disposed from the lectern, students in his class spread their revolutionary spirit throughout the rest of Woodburn Hall, prompting a quick takeover and fortification of the building. Reporters from the Hoosier Flipside were sent to the area where they were greeted by a spokesperson of the new “United Students Liberation Front.”

“We the students, keep this education industrial complex running through our coffee, ink, and tears,” declared the spokesperson, who wishes to remain anonymous. “But today, we are not propagating the system that in-debts us for a piece of paper. No longer will we tolerate multiple midterms back to back. No longer will we attend boring mandatory lectures by bad teachers. No longer will we suffer through sleep deprivation just to toil through homework that kills the passion we once had for our area of study. Today, the students of Indiana University will unite and stand in solidarity with one another. I call upon students of all majors and programs, whether you study physics, informatics, business,  or any other program that has enslaved you to the school. We call upon you to join us in taking back this university!”

At press time, the United Students Liberation Front had seized Ballantine Hall and planned to turn it into a gulag for students who hoard pens and gum.