BREAKING: Student Wearing Headphones Totally Desperate to Get to Know You
By: B. Snee
BLOOMINGTON, IN – Thursday afternoon, student Nathan Walker tried to start a conversation on a bus with a stranger, Jessica Thompson, who was wearing her headphones at the time.
Thompson could not express her gratitude fast enough, quickly whipping off her headphones and engaging in a deep and personal conversation with Walker consisting of how lonely she is and how elated she was when he barged into her personal space.
“It’s so hard to make friends here,” explains Thompson, “I’ve been using my headphones to try and meet new people, and so far it has been extremely helpful. Guys see them and instantly know; they should totally walk up and start hitting on me.”
Walker elaborated, “Whenever I see a girl, sitting alone, staring intently at her phone, minding her own business, I know immediately how desperate she is to get to know me.”
Walker went on to advise other men who want to attract women who keep their heads down and don’t seem at all interested in talking to you, stating: “Trust me, she’s dying for you to come say hi.”
“Everyone knows that whenever you see a girl alone, regardless of how content she looks, she is depressed, and yearning for you, her future hero, to free her from her bitter isolation.”
“The only way to rescue her is to walk up, unprompted, and demand she share the most intimate parts of her soul.”
“Every once in a while a girl might politely wave you off, but that’s when you must try even harder, she simply doesn’t realize what a pathetic outcast she is, and the kind of golden world you can offer her.”
“And if she still tries to push you away, well… she is a psychotic bitch who isn’t worth your time.”