OP-ED: Who’s More Despicable: The Happy Fucks That Celebrate Valentine’s Day or the Miserable Fucks Who Tear It Down?
By: Janro Kreen
It happens every year. Valentine’s Day rears its head once more, splitting the rest of the world into one of two camps: the happy and the miserable. Those “happy” people in their “relationships” flock to their social media accounts and put up picture after picture, showing off how happy they are, how perfect their date went, and shoving your own flaws and failings down your throat. And then there are those misery gluts, hopping on their accounts to provide a 24-hour long sob story about how they could never get a date, how the world seems to be mocking them, all while each post is making your own day worse and worse. Year after year we have had to put up with these two, and I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of it. So it’s time to put this to rest, once and for all, as we decide which of these fucks is worse, so you can cut them all out of your life until March, or possibly even April if they’re truly insufferable.
Let’s start with what’s wrong with all those happy couples out there.
- Shoving their happiness down our throats.
Look, we get it. You’re happy. But all you’re doing by incessantly posting Insta pics and gooey Valentine’s tweets is making the singles of the world feel worse, and making them resent you for having what they so desperately want. Don’t you think that you’re setting impossible standards for others? Really, everyone else’s depression and unfulfilling love lives are on YOU, sicko.
- Celebrating a corporate holiday.
Everybody knows that Valentine’s Day is just a marketing ploy to get people to buy a bunch of things they don’t need at prices they would normally never accept. And if you participate in it, all you’re doing is perpetuating the reign of our CEOverlords.
Seriously, going out on Valentine’s Day? Dinner and a movie? Chocolate and flowers? Why can’t you come up with something better than that? Why do you even need a special day to show that you love one another? If you chose a different day and surprised your S.O., they might actually appreciate that you put in the effort, instead of you simply fulfilling some stupid capitalist obligation to doing something “romantic” on February 14th.
Now let’s move onto whatever the fuck is wrong with all those forever alone types.
- Shoving their loneliness down our throats
Look, we get it. You’re insufferably lonely. But all you’re doing by incessantly posting black-and-white Insta selfies and nihilistic anti-Valentine’s tweets is making everyone else feel worse, and making them resent you for vocalizing their darkest, most insecure thoughts. Don’t you think that you’re setting a bad example for others? Really, everyone else’s depression and low self-esteem are on YOU, sicko.
- Complaining about it being a corporate holiday
Oh really? Valentine’s day is a “corporate holiday”? Yeah, no shit Sherlock. You want to know what else is a corporate holiday? Christmas, Black Friday, Easter. What, are you going to say those holidays aren’t valid? Eat shit. Capitalism is an amazing system, and trying to tear down a holiday because it brainwashes people into buying tasteless candy hearts is, frankly, anti-American propaganda, you fuckin’ commie.
- Complaining about people being unoriginal
Why the hell do you care about how or when others show love to each other? It doesn’t matter if it’s overdone, what matters is the heart behind it. Sometimes it’s nice to know that there’s one day of the year where you should push everything else to the side and focus on the one you love, and it’s not like Valentine’s Day is the only time they do anything, it’s just the one time we all celebrate love. And maybe they just want to feel a little bit special, and there you go shitting in everybody’s soup.
So, who’s worse? In my expert opinion, both sides are equally terrible. As enlightened people, we know that the right opinion is always the one between the two extremes. You can’t trust people who really care about things, who knows what they might do? Express ideas? Change society?! Ew. So, take my advice and cut yourself off from the world until May. But of course, you should still tweet about these people; how else can you educate them?